The people who know me will ascribe two things to my personality. First, that my spiritual animal is a space donkey and second, that they don’t really know me, or at least that’s what I’d like them to think.

I’ve been relentlessly experimenting in mind and in practice in pursuit of becoming a better person, so here’s what I have found.

Quitting coffee has made me a better person. And it won’t work for you.

Losing my accent, has not made me a better person, but has given me handy camouflage for when traveling to states so I can sound all weird with confidence.

Morning walks have made me a better person, for I can spend a whole hour trying not to think and then finding myself thinking.

Adopting a dog has not made a better person, for my dog is not a better person and together we hate, oh we hate so many things. Especially if they are fireworks related.

Abstaining from alcohol for weeks has not made me a better person. There is wisdom to be found in the magical pints of delicous lager.

Attending yoga classes twice a week has made me a better person, one whose healthy sheen snobbily mocks you.

Donating to animal charities has not made me better person, for I give them money and they spam me asking for more.

Meditating daily for four months straight has not made me a better person but rather one that wants to tell everyone what a better person it has them made.

Watching 600 episodes of Naruto has not made me a better person, but watching 300 episodes of Gintama has made me appreciate toilet humour more than ever.

Moving to Scotland has made me a better person, relatively speaking, for one can either become better, or everybody else can become worse. But jokes aside, Scotland fits me like a blown up rubber glove on the head.

Getting platinum trophy in Need for Speed: Rivals has not made me a better person, and I’m checking if getting a platinum trophy in the next installment would.

Switching over to Joylent has made me a better person by means of feeling better.

And writing, oh well, has made me an arrogant twat.